Win the good tech vs. bad tech duel
One of my biggest frustrations as a parent is the amount of time that can accidentally get sucked up by being on my phone. Not all phone time is bad, of course – there are things that I like to do on my phone, like writing my daily journal, viewing my to-do list, doing my daily meditation or reading on Kindle. I regret getting caught in endless Instagram reels or drawn into 15-second news cycles.
Time matters more than anything as a parent, and accidentally spending valuable time with no return is a waste. Presence also matters to us and our children; they notice when we’re with them but are actually engrossed in our phones.
We know by this point that our animal brains are no match for the sparkling dopamine hits engineered at your favourite tech companies. We have a finite reserve of discipline, and it's silly to waste this discipline on your phone when technology can fix the problem for you. I think of this as as duel between ‘good’ tech and ‘bad’ tech!
There are two interlocking systems for becoming indistractible as a parent. First, set up your phone to focus on the use cases you want. Second, block or limit the time sinks that you don’t.
Focus on the good use cases
I set up my phone to point my attention to where I want to spend my time. I have a single home screen with apps or widgets that I want to use.
For me, this is:
Meditation widget
Journal widget (to build my digital memory)
To-do list widget (I use Things, which syncs nicely across all my devices)
Streaks widget (these are the things I try to do every day, and the widget shows me my progress)
Apps for the camera, photos, videos and Kindle
Website widget
It looks like this:
These apps are all apps that I am happy to spend my time in. Whenever I pick up my phone, I’m shown a multitude of productive, rewarding ways to spend my time.
Every other app is removed from the home screen—if I want to find an app not on here, I use the search bar. Using search to find apps instead of their location is more efficient, and it means that I don’t see distracting apps unless I am looking for them, preventing my attention from being hijacked unintentionally. I also turn off almost all notifications and ‘red dots’, again to prevent my attention going somewhere I don’t want it to.
What you deem a ‘good use case’ is intensely personal. My goal is that whenever I look at my phone, my attention is directed towards technology that helps me become the best version of myself, not technology that encourages me to dive into mindless consumption.
Block or limit time sinks
Because I’m no saint, I keep some distracting apps on my phone that I want to peruse in moderation. Obviously, moderation is very difficult when you’re working against the universe’s best time thieves, so I set up controls to block or limit distracting apps and websites.
iPhone
I use screen time controls on my phone to limit specific apps to a short amount of time each day. For example, I’m only allowed 15 minutes on X and Instagram combined. I also create downtime from 6pm to 8am where most of my apps are inaccessible, except for utility apps like Google Maps, rideshare etc. During this time, my phone is very boring to spend time on but functional for logistics.
The key here is that my husband sets the screen time password and doesn’t tell me, so I can’t bypass the screen time controls. An older child or a roommate could also set the passcode if you don't have a partner, but make sure that they write it on a piece of paper that you can access if you really need it.
Key tips:
Make sure they write the code down somewhere—if the code gets lost you need to reset the phone
Set utility apps to always allowed—the first time I created downtime I went to dinner and couldn’t get home as my rideshare apps were blocked
If you really urgently need something you’re locked out of, call your passcode keeper to get the code and then reset it again when you’re together
I also use an app called Clear Space. This great app makes you take a breath before opening an app, provides a motivational quote, and allows you to access the app for a short time. I use Clear Space for email, Slack etc. It creates just enough friction to prevent me from mindlessly checking things, but it doesn’t keep me locked out like screen time.
Laptop
To keep myself indistractible while doing work, I use a VPN called Freedom to limit the available websites. Reading the news is my Achilles heel. As a former politics student, I’ve historically liked to stay abreast of ‘What’s Going On’. But today’s online news has more noise than signal, and there is always more to read. If I’m trying to avoid work, reading the news is my distraction of choice.
I use Freedom to block all news and social media websites on my computer between 8am and 5pm. The user interface for Freedom isn’t the best, but it’s very effective. I haven’t figured out how to bypass it yet, possibly because the UI is so bad. If you go to a blocked website, it says, “You are free from this site,” which is a nice, gentle nudge to go and do something useful instead of mindless.
Freedom has boosted my productivity and energy levels during work hours. It keeps me focused on working at my computer, and if I need a break, I take a real break from the screen.
Wrap-up
Technology needs to be tamed to prevent it from directing our attention. Allowing the internet to steal our attention makes someone else money while draining us of our most valuable asset. The systems I’ve set up to get my attention back have paid themselves back many times over, and allowed me to reinvest that time into my family, my work or high quality leisure time.