Kristen Bell on empathy
A friend recently recommended the podcast Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend to me. I’m only a couple of episodes in, but it’s just what I need this week — funny, insightful, and easy to listen to. It also happens to contain some great parenting wisdom.
The second episode is with Kristen Bell, and she shares two pieces of parenting advice that stuck with me.
You have to let your children witness
Kristen starts by talking about Brené Brown, one of her favourite authors: “Brené Brown says you cannot give your children anything you do not have. So you can’t give your children the ability to have a positive body image if you don’t have one yourself.”
She continues, “It’s worth recognising that if you want your children to grow up happy and well-rounded and surrounded by friends, you must show them that in your existence. You have to show it to the little ones because they don’t listen to jack shit that you say.”
The idea is that children learn through seeing behaviour modelled, not through being told what to do, so we need to model what we want for them, whether that’s reading books, exercising, eating healthily, taking care of other people or believing in themselves. We pass on who we are through our behaviour more than words.
While that might feel like a lot of pressure to be perfect, it also gives us a good opportunity to reflect on the parts of us we want them to see more of. Or our habits we want to change to better support them. If you want your children to be creative, and you miss certain creative pursuits, this might be a good time to figure out how to do more of them or find a way to do them together.
Bell ends this advice by saying, “Make sure they see you calling your mum.” Aha, indeed. 😂
Actively creating empathy
In the episode, O’Brien talked about how he makes sure his kids are polite to people and treat them well, for example, being polite to waiters, looking them in the eye when speaking to them and saying thank you.
Bell goes a level deeper. She says that you can tell your kids to be polite. They might go through the motions and do it, but it’s better to teach them deeper empathy by thinking about the person they are interacting with. If they are eating at a restaurant, for example, she will talk to her kids about the waiter before they come over.
The conversation might go something like this: “Look at the waiter; it looks like maybe he’s been working here all day today. Maybe he has a family at home and hopes the day can go quicker so he can go home to see his kids.” Or “He looks like a really hard worker because he is carrying all those plates.”
Bell says, “I identify the person they should be kind to as another valuable human being, so they take the initiative to recognise him in an empathetic way”.
These insights have got me thinking about what I’m modelling for my son, especially in my interactions with other people. I also appreciate that in teaching empathy, she’s also teaching her children to look for the best in other people — perhaps one of the greatest gifts a person can have.