Preet Anand
Preet consults on trust & safety strategy. He previously started and scaled Lyft’s safety technology area. Preet is luckily married to Hilary and lives with his two sons in Oakland. Hilary is a psychologist that advises graduate students and has a private practice.
What does your normal working day look like?
Right now, our schedule is a bit variable as I’ve had the privilege of a sabbatical, but most things haven’t changed much. Hilary wakes up at 630am to have some time alone in the morning. I get up shortly before 8am (I’m a night owl) and nearly fall down the stairs to get coffee. Our boys usually wake me up. I generally try to avoid waking up with an alarm, a privilege since the pandemic started, and I haven’t had to race to the bus with my coffee mug in hand.
By 9am, after the boys play a bit, we take them off to school, or our nanny comes in. If it’s a slower day, Hilary and I might take a 15-minute walk together in the morning, and then we’ll both get to work.
Kids get picked up from pre-school at noon by either Hilary or the nanny, depending on the day. Then they usually go to the park for a bit with friends. When they get back home, Hilary will get back to work until around 3pm.
After school, the boys do a lot of play and projects throughout the day. Sometimes this also includes supplementary classes, such as Geography or Dinosaurs or Animals, on Outschool. Around 4pm we usually start tv time, formerly known as ‘no trucks’ when Jaxon wanted to just watch truck shows. This is usually PBS Kids but can include certain things on YouTube as well.
During the weekdays, Hilary and I alternate exercise in the time between when work ends and TV time is over. The other is usually with the boys and cooking.
Hilary usually cooks Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I cook on Tuesdays. Friday is Pizza Night, and Sunday is Indian Food (cooked by me or ordered). Saturday is a wild card.}
After dinner, I bath the boys, and Hilary takes “quiet time” - aka time to herself. Bath is a relaxed, spa-like experience with me that can last up to an hour. We play with colors, I juggle, and we sometimes listen to music. After the boys are bathed and done playing, Hilary swoops down to give them a snack before bed and then takes them up to the bedtime routine where she and the boys read books together. That’s when I take my quiet time. Then we lay down with the boys while they fall asleep. Once the boys are asleep Hilary usually gets ready and goes to bed. I sometimes catch up on projects at this time because I’m a night owl and my night energy is much, much, much better than my late afternoon energy.
How long have you had this routine?
Since March 2020!
How has it changed as your children have gotten older or as your family has grown?
School and the pandemic changed the rhythm of who goes where and when. Before the pandemic, I was lucky if I would be home by dinner time more than 2x during the weekdays.
What boundaries have you set around your work, and how did you work with your colleagues to enable them?
I infamously had a user manual in my signature email at Lyft. Whenever I start a new project, I set expectations with people that I don’t seek to have a very fast response time, but if they need me that they can call me. When I’m at home, my phone is usually not on my person but on a ledge in the dining room.
Hilary is able to work in female-led environments and is mostly able to set her own hours.
What are the most important things for you to get right to have a successful day?
Personally, Time blocking on the calendar is critical. I also do an extensive weekly review on Friday mornings where I reflect on the week previously and then plan out the week ahead. The plan for the week ahead includes my top 3 priorities, whether they are urgent and/or important, and which days I will allocate time on the calendar for them.
For our family, it’s critical to have a big activity or project for the day. That can be an adventure, something we are learning, or even a task to be taken care of for the parents. After that we leave a lot of room in the afternoon and evening for spontaneity, curiosity, and play.
Then last but not least, we all need enough sleep!
Switching to weekends, what are the most important things to get right to have an excellent weekend day?
Adventures in the morning. The whole family is happier when we get outside and do an activity. Then the afternoon is free play, and often we go to a neighbor's house or vice versa. During this time, Hilary and I will take shifts where we give each other 2 hours of “quiet” time.
Do you have anything that works particularly well in your childcare situation?
We are lucky that we’ve had our Nannies and the same people for childcare for > 3 years. They help make our life better and take care of our precious cargo, so we really try to look out for them.
For example, if we go on a vacation, we still pay our nannies for that time because we want to ensure we don’t create a cash flow issue for them.
We do a Thursday night date where the boys are with our former au pair. It’s turned into an incredible tradition because they are stoked, and Hilary and I can have some quality time together. She puts them to bed, and we’re able to stay out late.
What has been the most impactful thing you've done to save time / energy in your family?
We get groceries delivered generally, and we pay for cleaning every other week. See also the point above about date night and quiet time.
What principles have served you best in your parenting?
That childhood is about play and curiosity. Our kids are happy, and we believe better for it.
Specifically on travel: However bad the trip is, it will end. Big giant tantrum on the plane? The flight will end eventually. Getting sick all over the car? The trip will end.
Little kids are not mini adults, but do deserve to be treated with respect and input into the family.
Lastly, there are seasons. There are seasons of more and less desire to work, there are seasons of difficulty, and there are seasons of ease.
When you feel overwhelmed as a parent, what do you do?
If it’s in the moment and frustrated, we literally say, “I need to tag out”. Then you go get a breather.
What is your approach to screen time?
The boys have 1.5h every afternoon before dinner where they can play on a tablet or watch TV. Educational games/classes don’t count in this, but we still will limit that.
Is there a primary parent in your household, or do you split the parenting evenly?
I would say Hilary is the primary parent. While there are certain elements I fully own, Hilary is the one who often has the plan. I help her execute.
If you answered 'other' please tell us a bit about the parenting model you use and how you make it work.
We try to seek fairness writ large across all our responsibilities. So while Hilary takes more responsibility with the kids, I handle dishes, taking out the trash, and general house planning.
When something isn’t working, we try to be really clear with each other when we need to shift who is responsible for what. Plus, when we get really busy with something, we often fall back into “sick mode” where we’ll order out more, use a bit more screentime, and potentially pull in a bit more support.
What is your most life-changing parenting purchase under $100?
Geography Puzzles. In addition to 100+ hours of play, they have instilled such an amazing knowledge of geography for our kids.
What is your top trick for making it through long road trips, and flights?
For long road trips, we have a customized playlist for them. They pick their favorite songs, usually from a show they are into at that time, and we play that on the ride. If it’s a shorter drive, our oldest gets to play his songs on the way TO the destination, and our youngest gets his songs on the way FROM the destination back home.
On planes, we liberally use tablets for them to have lots of gaming.
We also make sure snacks are packed, there’s usually a new game or two, and we have some books for the parents. We’ve been travelling so much with the kids and it just gets easier and easier.
How do you bring play and fun into your time with your children?
We are really present with them on different adventures and activities. And that can include me going headfirst down slides with them (very Instagram dads-like) or Hilary working with them to make 5-part cakes for someone’s birthday. We also try to have a lot of unstructured time and room for spontaneity. Our view is the rest of their life will eventually bring encumbrances and structure; right now, we want to ensure we instill a great sense of curiosity and play.
What is something unusual or unique that you do in your family?
Worldle! It’s a game we do for geography guessing. It’s astonishing our kids know what Lesotho’s shape looks like.
We travel a LOT. Like it’s a fair assumption that we are out of the house two to five months of the year.
What piece of advice do you give to all new parents? What advice should they ignore?
Well, maybe this is the advice they should ignore too?
A few things:
Be clear on where you’re willing to spend money. Is it education? Time? Experiences? We spend a lot on travel, education, and getting help. We don’t spend that much on clothes and get a lot of stuff within our neighborhood.
Early in the game, just be honest with yourself about what you need, what your family needs, and what’s important. Especially with a new baby, it’s a lot. Don’t try to host or snap back into it! Someone once told us that there was a difference between ‘helpers’ and ‘guests’. Guests want to be entertained, whereas helpers want to come to help fold your laundry.
Is there anything else you would like to add?
As they get older, the game keeps changing. This too shall pass.
We started allowance for both kids when our oldest was 5. It’s helped constrain the inflow of toys, gives a reason to practice addition and math, and instilled an interest in finding higher leverage chores. Our son’s clincher when doing door-to-door cupcake sales was “Venmo accepted as well”.
You didn’t ask what’s not going well or what we’d like to improve ahead. For us, it’s keeping chores going and tidiness, especially when we have changes in context.