Sharee Gibson
Sharee is a marketing consultant and fractional CMO working with direct-to-consumer eCommerce companies. She also recently launched her first product, a part purse part diaper bag called Poppy. Prior to having her first child, she led the direct-to-consumer business at Ava, a reproductive health startup in San Francisco. Sharee just moved to Bend, OR from Walnut Creek, CA with her husband, Ben, almost three-year-old son, Brandt, and three-month-old baby, Oak.
What does your normal working day look like?
This has changed for me since having baby Oak.
Prior to having a new baby, I worked three mornings a week for 4-5 hrs. During that time, we had a nanny with Brandt. My husband and I both worked from home with me in the garage that we ‘finished’ and converted a portion of to an office, and my husband at a desk in our bedroom. There would inevitably be the occasional call I needed to do outside of those mornings, so my husband would block his work cal for an hour here or there as I needed it. I have access to see his work calendar, so I could see when he wasn’t in meetings and block time off that I needed. Working ~15 hours a week is equivalent to a bit more than a full-time salary leading marketing at a single company for me, so this was an ideal set-up. On a work day, it usually looked like this:
Ben would wake up before Brandt to work a bit. I’d sleep in more since Brandt still often woke at night, and it was usually me who went to him.
Ben makes coffee and breakfast for Brandt when he wakes up. They play a bit in the morning.
I’d get up between 6:30-7 and prepare Brandt’s lunch for the day, snack, and tidy the house before the nanny arrived.
Ben would start work around 7:30am
The nanny arrived at 8am and jumped right into playing with Brandt. I’d head out to the garage and start working.
11am Brandt would be heading for a nap with the nanny, and I’d head inside to kiss him goodnight.
1pm the nanny left, and I’d come into the house. Usually, Brandt woke within 10min of her leaving. Once he woke up, laptop closed, and we would spend time together.
On non-work days, I would check email for ~30 min each day.
How has it changed as your children have gotten older or as your family has grown?
Once I was getting more and more pregnant with baby Oak, I started scaling back on my client load and spent those work hours doing something relaxing and as a break from being a mom to my toddler. Sometimes I would do a workout in our home gym. Sometimes I would go get a massage. Often I would sit in bed and binge-watch reality TV by myself, which was amazing.
Since we moved to Bend, OR, we haven’t had childcare. I also scaled back to one client while having a new baby. Brandt starts preschool in a few weeks, and it will be 9am-1pm four days a week, but I still won’t have childcare for Oak. I didn’t feel ready to leave Brandt with someone other than his dad until he was about 1.5 years old. TBD how I will feel with Oak, but for now I am planning to work while Brandt is in school and Oak naps, and have Ben take a work break for an hour here and there to be with Oak when I need it. We figured out I can do up to about 4 clients like this since this is how we used to do it when Brandt was a baby.
I have a lot of non-negotiable family time: the moment Brandt wakes from a nap, I like to be there since he is usually cuddly and emotional. Family dinner time, school drop off and pickup, weekend family time are all non-negotiable. I also really like to keep at least one weekday a week open for us to go do something fun, just mom and the boys. We used to go to the zoo a lot, or hike. In Oregon, we have been hiking and going to the lakes.
What boundaries have you set around your work, and how did you work with your colleagues to enable them?
I will respond to email in an average of 24 business hours. So if you email me at 2pm Friday, expect a response by 2pm Monday. I often reply faster and sometimes take longer. For scheduling meetings, I am not specific that it is for personal reasons that I am unavailable in the afternoon, but just say my calendar is full. This has worked well.
What systems do you have in place to have a successful day?
The most important thing is telling my toddler what to expect for the day. He then becomes a helper in making the plan happen.
I need prep time at night for the next day, whether for work or the house / family.
I need to know when we will be outside, morning or afternoon or both. Outside time is critical.
I use an app to track the baby’s feeds and sleep. I feed on demand, but he wants to eat every 2 hours. He needs to nap after being awake for 75 min. Keeping track gives me a heads-up on how long I have before he will need something. This prevents a crying baby and a lot of stress for me.
I include my toddler in as much of what we are doing as possible. For example, if I am cooking dinner, I have him help by standing on his learning tower. If I am doing laundry, he helps load and unload the machines. If I am vacuuming, he wants to do it. If I need to work while I am with him, he colors or does play-doh at the table with me. Everything takes longer, but he loves to help and is then doing the day with me instead of giving me attention-seeking behaviors that I have to constantly correct and then get frustrated over.
Switching to weekends, what are the most important things to get right to have an excellent weekend day?
The components of a great weekend at home to me are:
Time spent outdoors
Slow(er) mornings with coffee
I am not the one putting my toddler down for a nap
I get to do a workout in our home gym by myself
I get extra self-care time for skincare (more than my daily routine)
Our house is cleaner by Sunday night than it was Friday night, unless we were out of the house doing extra fun things all weekend that I will remember more than the fact my house was dusty.
A typical weekend with nothing special goes like this. Life still revolves around my toddler’s naps. An ideal weekend day for us means we get to have a slow morning with coffee and pancakes and some kind of TV show or movie we all like to watch until around 8:30 or 9am. We then try to go do something before nap time. This might be going on a hike, to the river, to the farmers market, or something else outdoors. We then come home for my toddler’s snack and nap. My husband and I usually try to get in our workouts or spend time hanging out where we can focus more on each other. Then when my toddler wakes up, we have part two of the day.
Dinner is either eating out at a brewery or cooking something that takes a little longer than a weeknight meal. I enjoy cooking, so getting to take my time in the kitchen while my husband is with the kids is nice. Then we split bedtime–my husband takes my toddler, and I take the baby. The baby is usually easier to put down than the toddler, so I use that time to work, or I’ll listen to a podcast while I do some house chores. Occasionally, I’ll buck all responsibility and watch a reality TV show with a glass of wine. We reunite after my toddler is asleep to clean up the house together, mainly the kitchen, and then get ready for bed.
How do you "turn off work" and give the kids your full attention?
I leave my phone in another room, which really helps. It is also much easier for me to ‘turn off’ as a consultant than when I worked full-time for one company. I have a little more distance, which allows me to have a more objective perspective on their marketing strategy needs and also affords me the distance to keep really healthy boundaries with my time and mental capacity.
Do you have anything that works particularly well in your childcare situation?
We really loved having a part-time nanny on a set schedule while we worked from home. We still got to see Brandt a lot throughout the day, but he was being cared for by someone else. We had anywhere from two to four mornings, 8am to 1pm, each week.
What have been the most impactful things that you've automated or outsourced in your family?
Bi-weekly house cleaner and landscaper
Grocery delivery from Whole Foods
Automated shipping of as many consumables as possible: toilet paper, diapers, wipes, supplements, and coffee.
What principles have served you best in your parenting?
I try to keep the perspective that ‘they aren’t giving you a hard time, they are having a hard time’. I see behavior as a way to communicate a feeling and a feeling is the result of an unmet need. This helps get to the root cause rather than always addressing behavior directly and also helps me to stay calm and approach them with empathy instead of frustration. Responsive, respectful, and attachment parenting has been my approach.
My husband and I also have conversations about how we want to parent and are really intentional about our goals and how we want to approach things at a high level as well as in the day-to-day.
When you feel overwhelmed as a parent, what do you do?
Tap out. This happens more often now that I have the baby and my toddler. I will tell my husband I need a minute. There have been a couple of times I have even interrupted his work day to see if he could give me 15 min and take over. I find it especially overwhelming when the baby is crying, or I know the baby needs something and is being deprioritized for my toddler’s needs, and my toddler’s behavior is challenging. This is most likely to happen around my toddler’s nap time.
More often than me tapping out, my husband will hear that I am getting frustrated and offer to take over. We have an agreement that instead of correcting the other parent when they are starting to lose their cool, we help them tap out and get some space to re-center while the other parent steps in. It’s been a nice way for me to be able to intervene when I can hear my husband being frustrated and not responding to our toddler how we want to, but not to come to him with a criticism of his parenting on top of an already stressful situation. And vice versa. It’s impossible to be calm and respond exactly how you want to all of the time.
What is your approach to screen time?
We did no screen time at all until 2.5 years old. Now, we try to keep it to a minimum and use it when we need the time to do something and need him to be entertained. We probably average 30 min a day. We are really hesitant about introducing technology in general. The biggest concern is what he is not doing that is good for his development because he is on screens instead. So we practice #1000hoursoutside, which is just a goal to spend 1000 hours outside in a year. We get tons of outdoor time, my toddler will be going to forest school for preschool, and he will still drop an iphone to go pick strawberries in the garden anytime. As long as that holds, we’re doing good! On planes or long road trips, or in hospitals, screen time is a free-for-all. There have also been days that our nanny has called in sick, and my husband and I both have immoveable calls. This has only happened a few times, but screen time has saved our butts.
Is there a primary parent in your household, or do you split the parenting evenly?
We split things pretty evenly overall, but it shifts to one side or the other in different seasons. My husband makes a big effort to make sure he’s an equal parent.
I am working less right now, so time-wise, I am with the kids more than he is on weekdays. However, in the mornings before work, he is on, and as soon as he is off work, he is on with the kids too. On weekends he does nap time and more of the caretaking for my toddler to give me a break. When he was on paternity leave, he did more than I did for the kids.
Mentally, I am always more of the primary parent. In our case, this is less of a gender role thing, and more of a personality thing. I am the one researching the best medical specialists, preschool philosophies, remembering when prescriptions need to be refilled, ordering clothes, signing up for activities, etc.
If there is a primary parent, how do you set the boundaries, expectations, and breaks for that parent?
I get to assign tasks or hand over whole categories as needed. This is helpful, but the mental work of needing to figure out what needs to be done to even assign the task is still on my plate. Handing over a whole category works well when I haven’t already started on the topic and can let go of control and give it all over.
If there is an even split between parents, how do you divide the work and make sure that it is fair?
We’re less worried about it being objectively even and more worried about making sure we each feel like we are happy with how things are going. It ends up being pretty objectively even, but keeping track that way would turn nit-picky quickly for me. So just like with the kids, we try to think about it as what are our unmet needs and how we can get those needs met rather than it being about a number of tasks or the amount of time we each get alone. For example, if I feel like I am doing more, I try to think about what I am not getting to do that I want to be doing, then communicate that I need time to do xyz and we make a plan for me to get that time.
What is your top trick for making it through introducing baby #2?
While pregnant, we talk them through what will happen when I enter labor, who they will be with, how long, etc. Talk through what babies are like (i.e. at first they just sleep and eat and cry a lot. Then they grow and smile and laugh, etc.) Repeat these convos daily.
When the baby comes, tell them it’s the time you talked about. Leave presents wrapped from the baby with a note from the baby, like “I cant wait to meet you! I am sure you’re missing mom and dad, so I wanted to leave you a little something”. Give these to the caregiver to let him open when they seem to be having a hard time with you gone.
When you come home with the baby, greet your toddler first and talk about how happy you are to see them. Let them inquire about the baby before introducing.
Don’t blame the baby. This really starts in pregnancy. You can’t play because you’re feeding the baby, but instead of saying that, just say “I can’t play right now but I can in about 10 minutes. Why don’t you do xyz until I am ready.” This is true for needing to leave the park because the baby needs a nap, being too tired while pregnant, etc. Just never blame the baby so they don’t resent the baby.
Let them help (if they want to). If they’re interested in the baby and want to, let them help throw diapers away, get clean diapers for you, grab a burp cloth, pick the baby’s outfit that day, etc.
How do you bring play and fun into your time with your children?
We play ‘get got’ where my husband or I chase my toddler around the house and catch him and tickle him. We ‘rumpus’ and climb and throw him around on the nugget cushions. That physical kind of play is usually after dinner and before bed in the evening. He seems to really need that time to be physical with us.
Our favorite things to play together are blocks, trains, cars, and tea parties. We love pretend play. He often asks me to play, and if I can’t say yes right then I tell him how long until I can play. Or I say yes, but I only have 5 min. before I need to do something else, and I will set a timer. This lets me get lots of play sessions in the day with him, and he will play independently before and after I play with him for a bit longer which lets me get some things done. If I have to say no to playing then, I say ‘I love playing with you too. I can’t play right now, but I want to watch you play blocks’ or something along those lines.
What book has been most influential for you as a parent?
The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson